Good Grief

Grief

We all grieve differently. Some silently. Some emotionally. Some angrily. Some invisibly.

Let them. Let them grieve.

Let them grieve their Mothers, their Fathers, their Sisters & Brothers, Grandparents, Sons & Daughters. Their Friends, distant family - whomever and however let them grieve.

Most days, to the outside world, I seem fine. No one would ever guess my dad died. He died so unexpectedly, it was just so surreal. Some days I still can't believe it happened - and its now been nearly 2 years.
I miss him so much everyday. I hate that he can't watch our boys grow up in person. I know he's watching everyday though (although some days I hope he turns a blind eye hen they are driving me batty! Although I know he getting a chuckle since I was not a golden baby myself!) but some days that doesn't seem good enough. He did get to meet BIG C, but he wasn't even 2 months old - hardly a drop in the bucket - but I am still ever grateful he was here to meet him.

I was grieving very emotionally while the police and coast guard searched for him for nearly a week. There was still a small part of me that hoped for a miracle. There would be no such luck. So here I sat again hoping for the only bit of comfort that was left, let it have been a medical reason he is no longer with us, please lord let him not have suffered. No such luck.

My dad was a healthy, happy dairy farmer of 48 who was entering his golden years that he had worked so hard to achieve. He was taking scuba lessons with a close friend and this would be their first dive in open water. His first and only.

After the funeral and my Husband and BIG C and I moved back home I grieved silently. Crying at night while everyone else slept. Trying to hold it together for my mom.
After a few weeks it was easy - occasionally I would be caught off guard and would break down (I still do)
For a long long time it didn't seem real. I visited my mom often and it could easily be assumed dad was just out in the barn working - maybe that's what I convinced myself so I could cope.

I am emotional all over again now. Emotional for me. Emotional for dad. Emotional for our dear friends V & M, Emotional for sweet baby A, that sweet baby we will never know.
I cannot imagine receiving such a precious gift only to lose it again. I want so badly to heal them, but I know all to well that this grief will never truly be healed.

I fine myself breaking down regularly now. I'm not sure really for who. I'm not depressed, I know that. I'm just sad that there needs to be such heartache in life. I read many blogs, trying to understand the pain V & M must endure, it has really opened my eyes to how many families have lost such tiny babies. Seems so cruel - but God must know what he's doing.
Trying to understand their pain I feel I am opening an old wound of my own that never properly healed.

Back to my point - do not rush those around you to get over their grief, to find closure. It's a myth, there is no such thing as closure. After any loss we cannot expected to be the same, we are a new person with the addition of grief in our lives.

If you have a spare 17 minutes - this video is amazing (and it took me forever to find again!) Nancy Berns is a very smart lady.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0rCfXSdYPE

So grieve, its good for the soul.

Until we meet again.