Do or do not. There is no try.

A couple weeks ago I was harsh.

Really harsh. 

I did not try to walk in another's shoes. 

I did not want to. 

I wanted to unload my personal feelings to make myself feel better. In doing so I called out friends and potentially tarnished relationships permanently. 

Coming here and seeing the handful of views I get, mostly random ones from other parts of the world - one timers I can only assume, makes me feel good, like someone is listening. So I did just that, came here not for a response, but for someone to just listen.

And listen they did, and I did hurt. I did offend. I did wrong. 

I had not been completely honest in person, I knew that, but I didn't know exactly what I was feeling until I felt my chance has passed, even though we'd agreed to be more honest and open. I felt my opportunity was gone, so I cowardly turned to my alternative outlet. 

Not my proudest moment, but probably if I went back and got to redo it, I'd probably make the same mistake again. 

I was hurtful. I was honest about my feelings without considering others, only myself. It truly is how I felt, though. 

I had been told the way I had been trying to help wasn't exactly what was wanted, and it hurt me, because I thought I was doing something helpful, not hurting. 

I was trying to be honest that I felt like I was losing the closeness in the friendships we all once had (although I may not have expressed this in the right way), I felt attacked when I was told I should (basically) be thankful I didn't have the time or money to go and do things with girlfriends. 

Things were not left resolved, but at that time I had no words to express myself. When I found them they were selfish and all about me and I was quick to post them without rethinking. Quick to relieve myself at the expense of others. 

In turn offending even more so then when I had stirred the pot the first time. 

I started this battle, turned it into a war, and now I sit alone. 

No one is going to rally for me, and that's ok, I deserve that. 

Maybe every friendship needs a time out at a certain point in life, after many tough life changes all around. 

I hope we can all find what we need, and learn to forgive (including myself, because  to be honest I'm not ready for that yet) and come back to a new rekindled friendship down the road. 

I do fear this will not happen, should this be the case I will still have wonderful memories to cherish. In the end there isn't only one persons actions I can control and those are my own, and this time I did that poorly. 

So this is my apology. 

I don't need to be forgiven. 

I don't need a response. 

Anyone has the right to judge all they want, just as I did, but just as I have heard their stories and not walked their path, no one has walked mine. 

On this path I am no where close to being done making mistakes, there is no try. There is only do and do not. 

Perhaps my own problems and hardships in life are really but mere bumps in the road, nothing to worry about at all, not REAL problems. Maybe, but I still feel lost at the best of times because of them. 

And in the end, its between me and God, the things I've done well and the things I have not. 

Until we meet again.