From good to worse.

Kids     Money    Time    Marriage    Self

In one second I couldn't ask for better. Everything seems to be going right - but only for a second.

Then it's a whirlwind again. Baby still waking at night. Tired from being up, but so much to do (meals, clean kids, happy kids, clean house, bills paid, animals fed, exercise - is there a 30 hour day out there I haven't found yet?). So much to do, so very little time! Fighting - again - always about the same thing. Almost always. MY GOODNESS how money SCARES me!!!

Everything all wrapped up makes me proud of myself, mad at myself, sad about losses, happy about gains, angry about how hard it is to be in the healthy shape I would like to be (although I'm much closer than I've been in a very long time)

Our evening started SO good. Playing with the boys, dinner started (hubby even BBQing & I had dessert ready!), Little C down for a nap during dinner, everyone liking & eating dinner (WOAH!), BIG C watching a little bit of Wiggles while Hubby and I got a chance to really talk (no kids, phone, TV etc. interruptions) which instantly made me think of a blog post from http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.ca/ where she talked about reconnecting with her husband everyday and becoming closer for it. We were on a roll tonight and it felt so good! Even got both boys to bed without any fight.

Then the call - Hubby talking to my FIL about all things farming - it's like a losing battle. Make a buck, only to have to spend two. I wish it wasn't so hard, but if it wasn't everyone would be doing it right?
There are so many people who say 'its only money'. Hubby is one of them, although he's not always the best with it or budgeting it. 'It will all be fine' these words come out of his mouth so often it scares me, these are famous last words, no?

Maybe...

Maybe it will be ok. Maybe it will all be fine. God, help me - us - I sure hope so. However, I don't trust what fate has in store - I want to have a guarantee it will be ok. This farming thing isn't helping, but it's all we've ever known.

I'm so scared. All the time. We're only in our mid-twenties, how are we ever going to make it out of this lifetime alive. I know that sounds so ridiculous, I hear myself, there are many other people out there with bigger problems, but these are mine, and I'm scared to death.

So, I will try to be brave. Try not to freak out. Try not to hyperventilate.
I will take a deep breath, go to sleep (until the babe wakes yet again), and try to get through tomorrow.

Breathe. In. Out. Repeat.

Until we meet again.