That's what we say about those who have lost and must face life again.
Truer words cannot be spoken, although those who have lost know all to well that bravery and strength are no longer an option. These two qualities are clung onto to merely survive, one day at a time.
I know this well. I am not unlike many others in this way. My own mother is so strong, I cannot imagine losing Hubby and having to face life again after the fact. Our dear friends, having lost their sweet A only a few short months ago, and now facing this new life full of grief. V recently started up her blog again.
It began as a travel blog as they visited and worked abroad, turned pregnancy blog, turned grief outlet blog to remember and talk about sweet little A.
I empathize with V and M, and I hurt for them. I hurt for myself as well. Their loss has brought so much back for me, perhaps I am only starting to really deal with all this grief I had tucked away in a box while I focused on BIG C growing. Mommy is always on the back burner you know.
We have always been good friends, but I am redeeming myself lately as I was not a good friend during their pregnancy. I was jealous, so very jealous. I am so ashamed of myself, now even more so. I should have been there to share the good times, not step in again now that there are not bad, but hard times. I should have always been there. Reading her blog that she shared for the first time again in many many months is bringing it all back.
A pang of resentment towards them. How silly, how insensitive. How can I resent my good friends who lost their baby while I chase 2 boys around?
Reading through her blog posts while she was pregnant though is difficult for me. They were so utterly happy and overjoyed to find out they would be adding to their family. They got to think of fun ways to tell people. Everyone was nothing short of ecstatic for them. For he first 20 weeks or so it was pure bliss.
Us? We were so scared. What had we done. What were we bringing a baby into? We weren't ready! We weren't even married! We didn't have jobs! (Hubby owned a farm but as you may have read in earlier posts, they're no money maker)
There was no excitement when we told our parents. Only fear that we were disappointing.
We didn't get to tell our friends in fun ways. Only 'yes, the rumours are true' as everyone spread the news for us (few were the friends we got to personally tell), followed by (what they perceived as playful & joking) remarks throughout our pregnancy.
We didn't get to frolic about our lives full of joy and planning, only fear of the vast unknown wondering how we would be able to afford things for our baby, even if only the bare necessities at best. (Thank goodness for the generous donations of second hand items from many friends and family!!! We are so very blessed!!)
Some of those remarks were so hurtful. I tried so hard to brush them off. To this day I'm sure they have no idea that I lie here writing this crying about all the things that were said. BIG C is my baby, our baby. He was inside me, his little heart beating, his legs kicking. Although we didn't mean to, we made him with love. I wish I could let those hurtful words go (although I don't remember them word for word, I remember the hurt) but they said them about our little baby, and for that I am still angry.
I love V and M, and sweet A, but I am oh so jealous of the time they had with her, shamefully though, oh very shamefully.
More than two years later and they are so very unaware to all this jealousy. My fault no doubt, as I brush everything off.
So one day when I get the guts to share this blog with more than just strangers, if I haven't told you my true feelings already, I'm sorry you had to find out like this V & M. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend when you needed one. I'm sorry baby A isn't here.
I'm sorry for needing our losses to bring us closer again.
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending"
Until we meet again.
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